February: fragments 25 - 30

25
A sister searches
for answers
I cannot give myself

Look after yourself
she says
both within & without

know who you are
from moment to moment
don’t let

another swamp you
with his neediness
for attention, reassurance

26
to love or not to love
that is the question

27
Love for & between women
sustains me
sitting next to Margaret
my thigh relaxes
I can walk again

28
my music is strong
& moving – great, says Andrea
Rosie is jealous, as always
today I don’t care
The place feels right
I’m recovered from set-backs
& play to impress – from the heart too
no holds barred
allowing my innate seriousness
its full reign
in songs of deeper meaning

29
tears keep coming
I can't hold them back
he asks how am I
I say not too good
he backs off
does he feel responsible?
he wants to talk
to let me know
about our shared gig
the dates

I walk away angry
at his assumptions
his inability to value
the depth of my loss
his loss
our loss when we are not together

30
there’s been some mythical argument
does he remember anything he says?
I enroll at the university, walk
watch a film about assassins
return home happy with my day
not wanting anyone, just the day
I get many calls & messages
he is getting plastered
I leave Valentine’s flowers
on his door-step for morning